It is good to set new goals. I have began walking daily again. I wrote my allocated amount of works for the NaNoWriMo competition. I am on schedule with my correcting. I have a job to go for and references. I am feeling better and I probably will stick my job out but it is always good to have choices. It is good to make decisions in your life when it feels others are calling the shots.
During the week I took my son and three of his friends to the ‘Taste of Chaos’ concert in Melbourne. I really didn’t want to do it because it was in the middle of the week and would mean I wouldn’t hit my pillow until after 2.00am.
I agreed to do it because he has been really supportive of me this year through many of the trials I have had. He has given me honest feedback and encouraged me to express my feelings and bolstered up my confidence on a number of occasions when I have felt that I was a failure. I didn’t expect my own child to fulfil this role for me and it has meant the world to me. I wanted to do something special for him to show my appreciation.
The kids were amazing on the night. They were so grateful and joyful. I am so pleased I did this. I was surprised. I had no real expectation other than to be tired and pushed to fit it in and it was an absolute pleasure.
As a secondary teacher, I get to see plenty of young people and I find most of them to be remarkably wonderful in all honesty.
I watched this tonight. Although it was quite touching and painful, it was enjoyably so.
This week has been busy and had it’s highs and lows. I am finding it still difficult to get on with things at work. I struggle to shift my focus and resist being negative. I don’t like myself and my thoughts at work.
This is the longest I have been in a job. Four and a half years……
I am continuing to question myself and trying to find the truth beneath the upset. I am sure there is something I am not learning that is keeping me suspending in this struggle. I want to be released. It is possibly not even about work. I don’t know. I just feel really hurt and upset and whilst I am trying to pretend everything is ok and I am over it, I am dreaming and crying in my dreams and I can’t escape it.