I listen to this song over and over again when I am missing my nana.
‘Give me these moments back
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your hand’
It just expresses how I feel. It is nearly 7 years since my nana died but she was my best person if you know what I mean and from time to time I miss her and I want to feel sad about it. This morning I am feeling like that.
I can’t believe I haven’t blogged for a week. Life hasn’t been that busy or stressful, in fact it has been a regular kind of week. A couple of meetings after school. Even shares of good and bad news received about friends and family. An appointment or two. Some questions to grapple with, some repairs to be done. The daily exercising and juicing and cleaning and shopping and cooking and teaching and preparing and correcting and learning and loving and discussing to name some events specifically. The range of emotions have been felt, delight at the news my friend, Sam started secondary school triumphantly, fear about my pa having cancer at 85, that is treatable but will no doubt cause pain and disruption to his life, satisfaction about stimulating classes taught and surprise and pleasure when my beloved wished me a happy valentines day. I have been tempted by offers of further study and had to reflect on whether a MA in Educational Leadership is for me, I decided not. I have been troubled by my son’s outbursts that have all smoothed now and turn out to be a storm in a teacup and not the catastrophe I often fear when my kids seem unhappy. Helped my daughter with her role as school captain and felt concerned that whilst the role is within her scope of ability that it will affect her study negatively. Not a featureless week or a week without surprises but there is a feeling of dullness in me that I can’t shake. A lack of inspiration. I don’t know why.
Yesterday we had the annual swimming carnival. It was a washout. I got wet to the bone. This week has been a long one. All the illness in my home has skirted around me and I have felt it creep closer from time to time. My new routines of eating fruit and vegetables and taking vitamins and exercising and drinking plenty of water have protected me well. It has not quite penetrated my health to the extent of really stopping me.
I am reading a book of short stories called “Black Juice” by Margo Lanagan. It is delightful. When I got it out of the library at the senior campus last year, with the intention of reading it over the holidays, the librarian said the young person who had been the one and only borrower had given it a 5/10 and she didn’t expect much of it. I guess that is why I have not rushed into it, although I had read many positive reviews. In my mind I put it in the category of those things that get good reviews because they are all buddies and afraid to tell each other the truth. I usually trust the opinions of the children around me before the ‘experts’ or ‘acclaimed’. In this case I judged wrongly.
This week has passed well. I thought it had been a dull week until I came to write about it. I had a lovely pizza dinner with family and friend last night. It was a great combo of good food, funny, often interrupted stories and much laughter. We were fare welling my daughters best friend who is heading off to Wodonga to study. It was an enjoyable evening although underneath the laughter and smiles, I felt sad to be setting her off into the world. I had that sense that things would never be the same again. So many nights she has spent laughing and being ridiculous, always spontaneously and rarely planned. It is right that they should grow up and pursue their own lives but that is the pain of young people growing up . When they are successful and grown they leave.
I also brought home a ceramic mask I made last year after school. I made the mask at an after school workshop. I was pretty cranky whilst I was putting it together and I really enjoyed the process as a distraction from the hurt I was feeling at the time. It turned out well. One day when I am not tired and lazy (as I am right now) I will put a photo of it on this blog.