I have felt a lot of ease about returning to work. Things that once instigated rage in me are not so upsetting now. Something has changed. I think the fact that my own children are no longer at the school where I work has taken some of the emotional charge out of wanting things to be the best they can be for them. I am not sure this is a good thing to lose. Does this mean I don’t care as much now that I am not driven by the self interest or my childrens interests? I have a feeling I may actually be a better, calmer teacher though. I have to observe it all and reflect more on it. I also don’t have a leadership position. I guess I feel less responsible for the disorganisation so I have patience with it. I don’t want to stress anyone else out like I was feeling a lot of the time whilst I was in that position. I am enjoying the conversations I am having with others more because I am not in a position of service to them as much. I feel I can choose more about what I contribute and do more than I could before. I felt obligated to do certain things before and this was like a chain around me. I have also let go of expectation. I have given up. I have less attatchment to the place. It has come down from it’s pedestal and it’s now just a workplace. Although I am uncertain about what has exactly caused the ease I am feeling, I am not stopped from thoroughly delighting in it.
Happy Chinese New Year – Year of the Fire Dog
We start back at work tomorrow. It will be the start of a new year indeed. The holidays have been awesome. These ones really lasted; like they used to when I was a kid. I think I am becoming more present in each moment. My mind is not always off doing something else making time slip away too quickly because it is not fully felt. I feel really healthy too. The small changes to my eating and exercise habits over the last 12 months have paid off more than any short term diet I have tried. I haven’t meditated as much these holidays as I usually do, but I have spent a lot of time in nature and I reckon that’s as good meditation as you can get.
I have barely given a thought to work these weeks away. I hope for a fresh start and avoid getting carried away with the politics and pain of the place. I want to focus on learning and the young people in my care. I know who my friends are now, so it should be easier. The rest I will handle. I expect to have more of a relaxing time without the leadership responsibilities. I am not going to be putting my hand up for anything!
Drs
I have to take my daughter to the drs. She has sprained her ankle. This is my second visit for the week as my son also had to go on Tuesday because he had a badly infected throat. The dr wanted to give him a penicillin injection it was that bad, but sleep and tablets has repaired it. He is much better. I am concerned that he is not taking enough care of himself and I may need to interfere. I don’t really tell my kids when to eat, sleep etc but maybe I will have to if he doesn’t look after himself better. Daughter just fell in a hole. Not much I could do about that. From the moment you have kids you want to protect them from everything but you can’t. Not that I do much at all to them other than want and worry and hope. I nag occasionally, but mostly I am too caught up in my own world to interfere too much with thiers. They are doing a great job of themselves though, so it isn’t too bad a method.