I have felt a lot of ease about returning to work. Things that once instigated rage in me are not so upsetting now. Something has changed. I think the fact that my own children are no longer at the school where I work has taken some of the emotional charge out of wanting things to be the best they can be for them. I am not sure this is a good thing to lose. Does this mean I don’t care as much now that I am not driven by the self interest or my childrens interests? I have a feeling I may actually be a better, calmer teacher though. I have to observe it all and reflect more on it. I also don’t have a leadership position. I guess I feel less responsible for the disorganisation so I have patience with it. I don’t want to stress anyone else out like I was feeling a lot of the time whilst I was in that position. I am enjoying the conversations I am having with others more because I am not in a position of service to them as much. I feel I can choose more about what I contribute and do more than I could before. I felt obligated to do certain things before and this was like a chain around me. I have also let go of expectation. I have given up. I have less attatchment to the place. It has come down from it’s pedestal and it’s now just a workplace. Although I am uncertain about what has exactly caused the ease I am feeling, I am not stopped from thoroughly delighting in it.
Drs
I have to take my daughter to the drs. She has sprained her ankle. This is my second visit for the week as my son also had to go on Tuesday because he had a badly infected throat. The dr wanted to give him a penicillin injection it was that bad, but sleep and tablets has repaired it. He is much better. I am concerned that he is not taking enough care of himself and I may need to interfere. I don’t really tell my kids when to eat, sleep etc but maybe I will have to if he doesn’t look after himself better. Daughter just fell in a hole. Not much I could do about that. From the moment you have kids you want to protect them from everything but you can’t. Not that I do much at all to them other than want and worry and hope. I nag occasionally, but mostly I am too caught up in my own world to interfere too much with thiers. They are doing a great job of themselves though, so it isn’t too bad a method.
Joy
I am happy to see my kids today after nearly a month. They got back from the Prom looking healthy and happy. They had a great time and were so grateful and content about themselves and their lives. I feel quite overwhelmed by joy about this. I really appreciate our lives and the great freedom and fun we have. We are very lucky and I guess I want to take a break today from recounting about Broken Hill to just say I am delighted with my life. I am pleasantly surprised by it. I honestly didn’t think I would ever get to be this blissful. I still have mess to clean up and disorganisation and financial challenges and all the same old stuff, but my family and friends and lifestyle is brilliant and it means everything to me.
We had a downpour today and Tom was dancing in the rain and showering under the gutters. Yes my lawns need mowing!