It was overcast here today and this seems to have set the tone for my day. Perhaps it was the sleeping pattern I had developed over the holidays, but I was tired and lethargic. I felt frustrated by the behaviour of many people around me today, but sadly not frustrated enough to bother doing anything about it. I feel tired and ‘can’t be bothered’. Perhaps it is the impending eclipse on Wednesday. Don’t know…..
Ho hum….
Well, I think I’ll get an early night and tomorrow can be a bright new day.
I have to confess I am smoking again. Quite regularly too. Have been for a week or so. Will try again soon to quit.
Went to chiropractor today. Was the best part of the dull day. I love that crunch and the relief it brings. Never thought the day would come when I would say that!
What I loved about smoking….
I haven’t smoked for 2 days. I feel – different. This is my 9th attempt to quit. I have tried hypnosis, nicotine patches, tabs and cold turkey. This time I have reduced my smoking over the last six months and I am quitting cold turkey. It is not so bad really to be honest. It is only 2 days though I guess. I want to be done with smoking for a lot of reasons. I want to be healthier and I want to live a long life. I want to allow my family to have relief from worrying about my health.
I loved stepping outside and smoking though. i loved looking up at the stars at night or sitting in the sunshine and enjoyed being outside smoking. I loved the pause that smoking gave me. The little time outs to do something I perceived as being for me. I know the reality though is that it is the worst thing for me and it doesn’t calm me down, but actually stresses me out and I hope this time I will be done with it forever.
I have let go of many other self defeating habits and this is possibly one of the last really dangerous ones I have. I take good care of myself these days except for smoking.
Weeks whizzing by
I can’t believe I haven’t blogged for a week. Life hasn’t been that busy or stressful, in fact it has been a regular kind of week. A couple of meetings after school. Even shares of good and bad news received about friends and family. An appointment or two. Some questions to grapple with, some repairs to be done. The daily exercising and juicing and cleaning and shopping and cooking and teaching and preparing and correcting and learning and loving and discussing to name some events specifically. The range of emotions have been felt, delight at the news my friend, Sam started secondary school triumphantly, fear about my pa having cancer at 85, that is treatable but will no doubt cause pain and disruption to his life, satisfaction about stimulating classes taught and surprise and pleasure when my beloved wished me a happy valentines day. I have been tempted by offers of further study and had to reflect on whether a MA in Educational Leadership is for me, I decided not. I have been troubled by my son’s outbursts that have all smoothed now and turn out to be a storm in a teacup and not the catastrophe I often fear when my kids seem unhappy. Helped my daughter with her role as school captain and felt concerned that whilst the role is within her scope of ability that it will affect her study negatively. Not a featureless week or a week without surprises but there is a feeling of dullness in me that I can’t shake. A lack of inspiration. I don’t know why.